


Maggie Sawyer's Guide to Alien Sex

by Alsike



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alien/Human Relationships, Blogging, Breathplay, F/F, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Multi, Other, Red Kryptonite, Sex Toys, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is STUPID, Xenophilia, but really, for as much sex-words as I use, this is very not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 02:11:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10629987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alsike/pseuds/Alsike
Summary: Maggie Sawyer, resident xenosexual, starts a blog. But when she starts dating 100% human Alex Danvers, will she lose her alien-banging cred?Not likely.





	

**Author's Note:**

> SERIOUSLY, I do not know what this is! Do not look here for smut, or sanity, or coherent characterization. Why is my Maggie always kind of an asshole? Idk. I like her best that way. YMMV.
> 
> Regardless, the last time I tried to write humor, I failed horribly. So don't have high hopes for this.

**Maggie Sawyer's Guide to Alien Sex**

 

M'gann was a little bemused when she spotted a regular coming in at 10AM. But Maggie, hair up in a ponytail, looser jeans than when she was trying to pull, had her laptop under her arm and ordered coffee.

M'gann brought it over and leaned against the bar, spying on her screen a bit. "What are you doing?"

"Writing my blog."

"You have a blog?"

Maggie took a sip of the coffee, sighed deeply and with pleasure, and switched screens, scrolling back up to the top. "Yup. Just starting it."

M'gann read the title. She read the title again, and then rubbed her forehead. "Maggie . . ."

"What?"

"Are you sure you want your full name on there?"

Maggie eyed it, and tapped her nose. "Okay, fine. Good point."

 

**Maggie's Guide to Alien Sex**

(I mean Humans having sex with Aliens. I'm sure Aliens can handle their own business without my help, thx)

 

"Also," M'gann said, with a disapproving expression. "If I see any personal information about any of my customers on this blog, I am going to ban you so fast you will have floor burn from your toes to your cheek."

Maggie grimaced, and then looked considering. "That would be a lot of floor burn. I have never had that much floor burn. I wonder . . ."

M'gann shook her head and went back to the bar, leaving the pervert alone.

 

_Okay, couple of warnings before I start out, this blog is not the be all end all guide to picking up and banging aliens. These are just notes and observations with which to START a conversation. The first time I almost had sex with an alien we hadn't actually discussed how it was going to go down, and, well I was surprised, and then I had my hand in some very complicated and delicate digestive membranes, and then the alien flipped out, and well, lets just say, communication is key._

 

"That almost sounds reasonable," M'gann said, leaning on Maggie's shoulder as she refilled her coffee.

"Well, I was considering starting out with my close call with being a host for the offspring of one of the parasitic types, but I'm not actually looking to gross anyone out."

"I . . . don't know if I believe that."

Maggie met M'gann's disapproving gaze with her most impish grin. She was going to do it regardless of what M'gann said. Telepathy was not required to be sure of that.

 

_Technically that was the second time I almost had sex with an alien. The first time, she didn't tell me she was an alien and pretended that her extra instrument was a strap on, and pretended that she'd sterilized it so she wouldn't have to put protection on it, and it had these little hairs that hooked themselves into my flesh and injected me with some serious numbing agent until I couldn't feel anything from my waist to my toes, and then told me she was going to lay a clutch of fucking eggs in my kidneys, and I was like, hell no, and punched her the fuck out._

 

"The whole internet is going to get on you for promoting negative stereotypes about aliens."

"Dude," Maggie protested. "It happened!"

M'gann rolled her eyes. "It sounds like you were pretty impaired to miss all of those signals. I mean, she had to have been a Tilops, right? How drunk were you to not notice that she'd grown an extra blue--" M'gann pinched her lips together. "--thing? And if she said 'it's clean'?"

"Fine." Maggie hit the delete key. "I was pretty drunk. But that doesn't mean I consented to being the incubator for her spawn."

M'gann rolled her eyes. "You probably thought it was just dirty talk and it turned you on."

Maggie gave her a suspicious look. "How do you know me this well?"

M'gann shrugged. "Maybe my race is telepathic?"

Maggie's eyes went wide. "What?" And suddenly there was a flash of M'gann being bent over her own bar with Maggie licking her way--

"Maggie!" M'gann yelped. "That's completely inappropriate!"

Even more shocked, Maggie sat back in her booth. "Well . . . fuck."

M'gann resigned herself to a day of vaguely overheard--'Shit, she's telepathic. Shit, that's hot'--comments from the peanut area.

 

_But later on I found myself thinking about those little hairs, and how it felt when they moved inside me, and stuck their little spikes in, and I was just like, motherfucker. I want to feel that way again, that sensation that is entirely unfamiliar, (but hopefully less scary), all creeping down your back, and the heat that builds up inside you in response to it._

_I was twenty. I wanted to experience all of the possibilities for fucking there were._

_It took me a while to figure out how to pick up aliens who were pro recreational interspecies sex, but not into making me part of their offspring's life cycle. Back then FetLife was human only, so I had to do it the old fashioned way, by going out and getting to know people. But finally I met some aliens who were into the same thing I was--trying stuff out, and seeing what works. And, let me tell you, I had some great sex._

_And some terrible sex. But we laughed a lot while failing to have our sex parts interact in a pleasurable way._

 

Honestly, Maggie thought, that was the best kind of sex. The kind where you just had a good time with people you liked, and maybe you came a whole fucking lot, or maybe you didn't. But you left with friends and information. Neither of which were valued highly enough in this world at all.

 

_So, in case you're thinking that you might be into taking an alien home one night and fondling their erogenous zones, here is a guide, with notes and tips and tricks that you might find handy._

_It's all based on my limited personal experience, but if you have any questions, I am game to try and find the answers for you._

 

_#_

 

 **Vagorians** \--hermaphroditic

Vagorians have a weird hang-up about vaginas. It's something about not wanting to put their member where the baby comes out, not that there's going to be a baby coming out of mine, fuck no. But their awesome ridges that go all zig-zag around their cocks feel so good. So if you can't get them to come in the front door, try the back. They also seep a natural lubricant, which feels great, but turns everything down there green for a couple of days, so be wary. Boobjobs are kinda chafey and require a week of turtlenecks. BJs are to be avoided. Their lady-parts have matching zigzags, a nice feeling if fisting, but don't skimp on the lube--can result in friction burns and rash.

 

 **Twill** \--human-style sexual dimorphism

All their sexual organs are identical to humans, except for the fact that they can't orgasm unless someone's fondling their ears. IDK. Biology is crazy. You can make them come in their pants with just ear nibbling. It's hot.

 

 **Martians** \--fucked if I know, they're shapeshifters

Met one, usually in the form of a super, super hot lady. Hit on her extensively for three weeks, no dice. She has told me that she could adopt any sort of apparatus to please me. This is unfair teasing. Asked her what she likes. Head shake there.

Later discovered that Martians are telepathic. Asked her if there was some Martian Mind Meld that got her off. Martian was unimpressed.

Martian had a sad night. Said yes to making out. Stayed in girl-human form. Some escalation. It was all very soft and classic. Lovely. Thought I might be in love with her. Saw her 'oh fuck'-face when she read my mind.

I made a bad joke, things got better. Told her I would pine after her forever, but as long as she smiles and gives me the good beer, I'll be happy. I think she might not think she deserves a relationship. Just my type. Probably going to be in love with this one for a while.

Fuck.

 

 **Marbirochians** \--dramatic sexual dimorphism: females fuckable

Although Marbirochian genitalia is internal and nearly identical to a human vulva (clit on the other end, which allows for a couple of interestingly different hand positions) their cultural attitudes are, well, what we would say 'masculine identified.' (probably helps that the males of their species are eight inches tall and kept inside a belt pouch for single use insemination. They dissolve. O.O) If you don't want to spend the hour it takes to get them off by fucking roughly in alternating holes hearing about your inadequacies and how powerful and restrained they are by resisting your urging 'to the precipice' (as they continually call coming), invest in a gag.

 

 **Roltikon** \--human type sexual dimorphism (actually, I dunno, only met one, she read like a hot girl. We talked, but she got pissed when I asked too detailed questions about her species.)

Roltikon are touch telepaths, but only if there is contact with the dorsum--i.e. the flat--of their tongue. Of course, that's make-out central there. And telepath means they can root around in your head for info, but also stoke your pleasure centers without even touching you. Once they find them, which isn't always that easy. I puked a couple of times while she was trying to figure me out. But then I realized that the tongue just has to make contact with anything that produces moisture, something about the electrical impulses, so make out telepathy, and oral sex telepathy. (Also sweaty all-over sex after runs, really excellent.)

Unfortunately, my job started having confidential info involved in it, so we had to break up.

 

 **Dvrnki** \--asexual reproduction

Things to remember, sexual pleasure is not always linked to sexual organs. (But then is it just pleasure? physical pleasure? idk. Leave the philosophy alone--things I learned before dropping out of college.) Dvrnki like it when you put your knee in their mouth. I know. WTF, right? But there's something about it for them that makes them all gooey. Their mouth is soft, no tongue, instead it suctions like a weak vacuum. Feels kinda nice, but while they're sucking they can slide a pseudopod up you, and it's cooling and refreshing and super hot also.

 

 **Qalop** \--distinct sexual trimorphism. All types surface indistinguishable from human females, until they let you into their pants. Require 3 DNA chains for reproduction. 'Female' type has 3 functional lower orifices for insemination. Paddle type, large and flat member with sperm sacs that cling to the front. Comb type has a spiked member that contains sperm generating cells in the tips. Inside female the comb rakes the paddle, loosening up the sperm sacs. Female type gets no pleasure from this at all. Avoid sex organs on her, likes make-outs and cuddling.

 

 **Shamishami** \--human type sexual dimorphism, except males also have pointy ears, sexual genitalia appears hermaphroditic but comes in two functionally distinct types.

Main difference from humans: bigass prehensile members, both clitori and penii.

What a difference prehensility makes! (The new Dax2100 is reported to have an excellent prehensile setting. Have already preordered. Hope to see what girl Shamishami thinks of it, as she will know how good it is.)

 

UPDATE: Unfortunately, Dax2100 delayed in shipping, and Shamishami dumped me for being a selfish, sociopathic asshole. Sorry guys, I'm a little down. I may not be up for posting for a few weeks. Considering the possibility of dating a human again, just for the novelty.

 

#

"Have you thought about having sex with an alien?"

Alex's face was a picture.

Maggie cocked her head. "What's that look?"

Alex crossed her arms and scowled. She looked around, as if she expected someone to be watching and listening, even though they were alone. "I grew up with a Kryptonian. That means I went through high-school with a Kryptonian in my house. The whole time most kids are like, whoa, sex is a thing, I need to figure out what that means, I knew aliens existed. _Of course_ I've thought about having sex with an alien."

"So . . . specifically you've thought about banging your sister?" Maggie had been intending to feel Alex out about her blog, but honestly, this conversation had taken a great turn. She was in it for the lulz now.

"What? No!" Alex made incoherent shapes with her mouth and flapped her hands up and down. "That's not what I meant at all!"

Maggie laughed. She loved making Alex talk about sex. Her difficulty in saying the word 'gay' was nothing in comparison to the complete impossibility of getting her to say the word 'dildo'. "So you masturbated a lot thinking about what weird shit aliens might do to you? But not your sister, because that would be too weird."

Alex scrunched her nose at that. "I didn't think of her as my sister when I was fifteen." She rubbed her hand through her hair, and then tensed, as if realizing the implication of that statement. "I still didn't think about her because she was A. a girl, and I didn't even think I might be gay. And B. she was in the next room and could see and hear everything I was doing if she wanted to, and often did by accident."

"Shit," Maggie said, grinning. "Do you have a low key voyeurism fetish? Do you like to be watched? I'd have probably developed one if I grew up anywhere around Supergirl."

Alex's face was bright red now. "No! I don't-- I don't like any sex. Especially not if I think my sister might be watching!"

"Well, that might actually be an explanation for some of your hangups."

"Not just that I like girls?"

"You said you don't like masturbation."

Alex crossed her arms over her chest. She looked away.

"So you do like masturbation, you just feel awkward doing it because you never know if Supergirl is going to check on you and find you with your hands down your pants?"

"At least if I'm in a bedroom with a guy she knows she ought to look away."

"Huhhhh." Alex probably wasn't going to like this idea, but Maggie was pretty sure that one of the reasons she hadn't figured out she was gay was that she was always just a little worried her sister might see her doing something dirty. It was the not knowing that wouldn't let her relax. Having Kara in the room, actually watching, might be a way to desensitize her to that--or a threeway. Maggie was always open to threeways.

"Hon," Maggie said. "I'm going to take off my shirt, okay, and you're going to do whatever the fuck you want to with my tits." She stripped out of her buttondown and saw Alex's eyes widen at her bra. It was her date bra. Maggie turned to the north, having no idea where Supergirl was at the moment, but figured it didn't matter, and spread her arms. "Kara!" She announced. "Your sister's gonna play with my tits. Don't watch unless you really want to!"

She turned in a circle, maybe showing off just a little. But really, if Kara wanted to watch, she was going to get a good advertisement.

"Oh my god, Maggie." Alex was covering her face, but peeked out between her fingers clearly spying on her boobs.

"Now you know Kara's not going to accidentally stick her nose in and be traumatized for life. Sit on the couch."

Alex dropped onto it, awkward and curled up. Maggie climbed onto her lap and took her hands, placing each one on one of her breasts. "Squeeze, babe." Alex's hands tightened automatically, and Maggie leaned in and kissed her.

 

#

 

 **Kryptonians** \--human-type sexual dimorphism: penetration dangerous due to strength of muscular spasms

Unfortunately, the one female Kryptonian I've met (12/10 people, seriously), is off limits to me, as I am dating her (human) 'sister'. Said sister is just getting in touch with her lady-bits and lady-loving inclinations, and perhaps with a little bit of encouragement to open-mindedness there is definite threeway potential.

Consensual sibling incest hasn't been a specific taboo on Krypton since the first century after they gained complete control over their reproductive cycle. Of course, their attitude toward sexuality has always been a bit embarrassed, but as we know, from the Pink Book of Arkhed--that great erotic novel--(Kryptonian eroticism involving mysterious intimate underwater embraces, fucking not described) that the #1 romantic Kryptonian love story was between two brothers who ended up on opposite sides of a war, and while they were embracing naked in a pond, one slew the other, for justice, and then himself. So, um, well, anyways . . .

Watch this space!

 

UPDATE:

News just in, Kryptonian and sister have engaged in intimate underwater embraces, did not consider it sexual at the time. Asking for details.

 

UPDATE 2:

This was awhile ago, apparently. Foster Mom walked in, everyone was traumatized. Am encouraging more embraces, due to current tension between sisters.

 

UPDATE 3:

Human sister freaking out a bit. Did the underwater embracing, kissed her sister, got turned on. I comforted her (with new alien lube! Went well! Product report later!)

 

UPDATE 4:

Got talking with Kryptonian sister, she was clearly embarrassed by the whole thing. Told her I got that it wasn't sexual (ha), and about the Pink Book of Arkhed. Gave her my copy. She called me crying a few days later, telling me how romantic it was, and how she has to have more naked underwater cuddles with sis.

Nefarious plan in motion!

 

UPDATE 5:

Have been increasing touching of Kryptonian. She is now hugging me. Sandwich snuggles during movie night. Kissed my cheek the other day. Human looks on shell-shocked. Human is resisting pressure to naked underwater cuddles. Doubt human would respond well to Pink Book.

 

UPDATE 6:

Kryptonian got drunk and informed me that she is in on my plan, and wants to make out with sister while out of bath. Made out with me while drunk. Human upset.

 

UPDATE 7:

Lured Human into the bath with me. Pleasant interval. No alien sex toys employed, however, so activity not relevant for this blog. BUT did discover human enjoys total submersion, breathplay and weight. Have new appreciation for Kryptonian intimacy practices. (I'm sorry guys, that this is all you're really getting lately, but I'm enjoying the monogamous life rt now. Reports on alien hookups are discontinued indefinitely. Please submit your own experiences. I'll post them! Will continue the product reviews, however, as Human requires much loosening up.)

 

UPDATE 8:

Holy crap guys. I did not think this was going to happen. Kryptonian asked me to do 'the ceremony' and I was like, dude, girl, you wanted to punt me into space a few months ago. And she was like, yeah, but I need to get to know my sister's gf. 'Get to know' if you know what I mean. Desperately refrained from dying laughing. And fuckkkk, Kryptonian naked bathtub time is amazing.

#1, with heat vision, the water never gets cold.

#2, being held by a gorgeous girl in a dark room, naked and wet, never gets old.

She closed her arms around me and lay down and we were both submerged and it was all soft and intense.

And then, I got out and thanked her for it. Two days later she showed up in my apartment and fucked me up against the wall.

Here's the thing about Kryptonians, they are all soft flesh and warm hugs, until they put the slightest bit of force behind it and then you're getting rammed with what feels like solid metal. I struggled a bit, tried to talk her down, but she was somewhere else, all full of cruel words and possessiveness. It was nuts. Hot, but ow.

Then she disappeared in a flash.

(Could not find ice pack. Found given-as-a-joke Edward Cullen dildo under a bag of corn. Surprisingly effective replacement! Put bag of corn on face which was also sore due to collision with wall.)

 

UPDATE 9:

Human dumped me for fucking her sister. Not surprised, but feel it was a bit unfair as I did not actually fuck her sister. I got fucked _by_ her sister. I know I was angling for this, so I'm not going to protest loudly, but lack of verbal consent is a thing.

Kryptonian apologized profusely and cried a lot.

Turns out there were unpleasant drugs involved. Forgave Kryptonian. Kryptonians give excellent hugs.

Human showed up crying. Apologized for blaming me. Still not appeased. Told her to fucking sober up and deal with her problems like an adult. Everyone a mess.

 

**Taberorians**

Sexual symbiote is some kind of yeast. Horrible infection. 0/10, do not recommend.

 

UPDATE ON THE KRYPTONIAN SITCH #10:

Let me render the scene here. Idk how Kryptonian got access to epic sized Jacuzzi, but yup. Me and human still on the outs. Me and Kryptonian still a little skittish. Kryptonian and human, looking at each other all sad and hurt and I kinda want to shove their faces together and make kissy noises.

No one is drunk or in other ways impaired.

I get to naked big spoon the giant gorgeous Kryptonian. Kissing her underwater while I'm on top, much preferable to being pinned against the wall and railroaded by her. (would not mind a repeat of railroading, but only on a bed, or trampoline, or other yielding surface. My wall requires replastering now.)

Kryptonian pulls in human, who slips under both of us and wants breathplay. We hold her under, Kryptonian and I take turns giving her air from the surface. Lots of mouth to mouth. Fucking hot. It's all good.

Things much calmer now.

Kryptonian kisses me bye with tongue. Kinda sure what that means.

I take human home and fuck her with the new Dax2100. She loves it. Top marks. Then we cuddle. Human mumbles she wants another bath with both of us. Am already planning post bath transition into a less Kryptonian-style threeway.

 

I know you guys were sending me anxious messages that I was losing my xenosexual cred, but happy to announce that I am gonna have my cake and eat it too.

 

Best of luck in all your future Alien-fucking adventures,

_Maggie <3_


End file.
